Host Nikki Glaser’s best jokes at the Golden Globes

The Golden Globe Awards took place on Sunday, or, as host Nikki Glaser described them: “Ozempic’s biggest night.”

The US comic delivered a blistering opening monologue, which poked fun at several of the Hollywood A-listers in the room, and even her own employers.

“If you’re watching this on Paramount+, you have six days left to cancel your free trial,” she reminded viewers at home.

Glaser, who came to international attention during last year’s Roast of Tom Brady, proved to be the best host since Ricky Gervais last presented the ceremony in 2020, and perfectly set the tone for a huge night for film and television.

Here are 24 of her best jokes from her opening monologue and throughout the ceremony:

1. Tonight we celebrate the best of film and hold space for television.
2. I feel like I’ve finally made it – I’m in a room full of producers at the Beverley Hilton hotel, and this time, all of my clothes are on.
3. Some of you may know me from my appearances on roasts, but I’m not here to roast you tonight, how could I? You’re all so famous, so talented, so powerful. You can really do anything except tell the country who to vote for.
4. Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch – these are not just words Ben Affleck yells [in bed], these are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight.
5. The Bear, The Penguin, Baby Reindeer, these are not just things found in RFK [Robert F. Kennedy]’s freezer, these are TV shows nominated tonight.
6. I look out and see some of the hardest working actors in showbusiness. And by that, I mean your servers. They’ll be bringing you your cocktails to drink and your food, which you’ll look at.
7. We have got some huge movie stars here tonight: Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchett, Colin Farrell. And we have some huge TV stars as well: Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchett, Colin Farrell.
8. Even Eddie Redmayne did TV this year, he’s nominated for Peacock’s The Day of the Jackal. It’s about a top secret elite sniper that no-one can find because he’s on Peacock.
9. Denzel Washington is here for Gladiator II, Cynthia Erivo is here for Wicked, and Martin Short is here because we have cameras.
10. Zendaya, you were incredible in Dune, I woke up for all of your scenes.
11. Tilda Swinton is nominated for her role as Timothée Chalamet.
12. Timothée, you were so good in A Complete Unknown. In fact, I actually read that your singing voice was so accurate that even Bob Dylan admitted that it was absolutely horrible.
13. We can’t talk about movies tonight without talking about Wicked. I did not know much about Wicked going into this year because I had friends in high school.
14. But I loved it. I loved Wicked, my boyfriend loved Wicked, boyfriend’s boyfriend really loved Wicked.
15. Some theatres had issues with musicals. Some people complained Wicked was ruined by people singing. With Joker 2, some people said it was ruined by the images on the screen and the sounds that accompanied them.
16. I’m sorry Joker 2, where’s their table? Oh, they’re not here.
17. Nicole Kidman is nominated for Babygirl. This is your 20th Golden Globe nomination, incredible, thank you so much for all of your hard work, and thank you to Keith Urban for playing guitar so much around the house that she wants to leave and make 18 movies a year.
18. Glen Powell, what a year you’ve had, Glen, you were in everything – Twisters, Hit Man, my head when I’m having sex with my boyfriend. Thank you so much for the assist, I’ll see you tonight.
19. Selena Gomez is here, double nominee tonight, and she’s here with her new fiancé Benny Blanco, and Benny Blanco is here because of the genie who granted him that wish.
20. Who else is here? Oh look! It’s two-time holocaust survivor Adrien Brody.
21. Emilia Pérez earned 10 nominations for Netflix. I loved it, it is without a doubt the most audacious, ground-breaking film to ever auto-play after Is It Cake?
22. I really think this is going to be a memorable evening, and maybe not even in the way that you think. I predict, five years from now, when you’re watching old clips of this show on YouTube, you’ll go ‘oh my god, that was before they caught that guy’.
23. There’s been a lot of talk about comebacks – Pamela Anderson, Demi Moore. If you’re a woman over 50 in a lead role, they call it a comeback. If you’re a guy over 50 in a lead role, congratulations, you’re about to play Sydney Sweeney’s boyfriend.
24. If you lose tonight, please just keep in mind that the point of making art is not to win an award, the point of making art is to start a tequila brand so popular that you never have to make art again.